


All it takes is a little bit of Light

by StarryEyedKitten



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AU, Also I don't like Jared, Connor Deserves Happiness, Connor Murphy Has a Crush on Evan Hansen, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Connor Needs A Hug, Connor was a jerk to Evan but he makes up for it, Evan Hansen Has a Crush on Connor Murphy, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Except they're idiots and don't realise it, Fluff, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Hair Playing, I have never wrote fanfic before, I just want this boy to be happy, I live for soft fluffy Connor, IIIiii don't know where I'm going with this, Kinda?, M/M, Mutual Pining, Redemption, Romance, Soft Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Suicide mention, Therapy, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, just so you guys know, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:27:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23571589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarryEyedKitten/pseuds/StarryEyedKitten
Summary: "She kissed him and left. And in that moment Connor made a subconscious decision."A life in which Connor Murphy didn't kill himself, and actually got to live the life he wanted
Relationships: Connor Murphy/Happiness, Connor Murphy/Therapy, Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 9
Kudos: 79





	1. When you need someone to carry you

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!! So this is my first ever story. I hope you guys like it! 
> 
> Please feel free to leave constructive criticism, I'm still learning.

Connor slumped angrily on the bed, pill bottle in one hand. This wasn't even close to the first time he'd done this routine, it felt so natural. Honestly? He was surprised mom still kept the medicine in reach.

He took out a tiny white pill, rolling it around between his fingers. It was weird. So small and helpful, yet this little thing could be enough to just...Stop. Everything. Forever. Well...not just one. He'd need...ten? Fifty? Connor actually had no idea how much an overdose was, he usually just downed as much as he could and hoped for the best. It had never worked before, but this particular bottle was full, so hopefully.

As he rolled over on the bed, the letter crumpled in his pocket. He pulled it out to reread it for what felt like the thousandth time.

"There. Now we can pretend we both have friends."

Stupid. Stupid fucking IDIOT. Connor hated himself, why the fuck had he done that?? He didn't even like the kid, he was always hanging around Kleinman. Creep. But Connor had tried to be his friend anyway-after shoving him over in the hall, because THAT was how you made friends, Connor-, had tried to talk to him, he'd even signed his sad little cast as way of an apology. To be honest, he'd kinda wanted a friend. Though he had no idea why he thought he'd actually GET what he wanted. The one friend he'd almost made wrote a creepy letter about his sister. He'd done that just to annoy Connor. Just to push his attempt at friendship in his freckled fucking face. Just to watch him get mad, lauh, embarrass him. Evan was the reason for tonight's attempt. He hoped whatever came next would be better, anything had to be. Nobody would miss him anyway. Not ansen, or Kleinman, or Miguel, or Zoe, or Larry, or...

*Knock knock*

Connor sat up at the perfectly timed knock. Mom. Mom would miss him. She always cared about him for some reason. Begged Larry to let him see a therapist, even though Larry had only let him have one session. Tried to reason with him, never raised her voice, always there-

Another knock pulled him out of his head. He did tend to get lost there. "Come in mom" He called, shoving the bottle and note under the mattress. He knew it was mom, Larry didn't fucking knock, and Zoe never came to see him. Sure enough, Cynthia entered, carrying a tray.

"I heard from Zoe that you had a bad day" She sighed. She hadn't heard from Connor himself, of course, Connor never spoke to her any more. "I'm sorry that I made you go." As she spoke, she handed the tray over. Connors favourite teas-he wasn't much of a coffee drinker, though he looked the type-with a plate of brownies. Homemade and still warm. And a book. "Don't sweat the Small Stuff (and it's all small stuff)". How cute. He smiled up at her. She tried so hard for him, it made him feel just that little bit calmer.

"Look, I'll talk to Larry about school, maybe you can take tomorrow off instead?" She offered, and Connor felt himself grin.  
"Hey, it's cool mom, don't worry. I'm glad I went, y'know? It's better to push through it." It was a blatant lie, but it left his mom reassured. And in that moment between them, Connor made a subconscious decision. He changed into pajamas, got under the covers, and read the dumb book that had been specifically picked for him, careful not to get hot Brownies or tea on the pages.


	2. It's easy to change if you give it your attention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!! Sorry for the slow update, quarantine has just thrown everything off balance. But here's chapter 2, where Connor gets a proper second chance!!!!
> 
> Thanks to you guys who left kudos, and you four that bookmarked it???? That really means the world to me

When Connor awoke the next morning, it was to Larry pounding at his door, snapping that he was late for school. As Connor got out of bed, slightly annoyed he wasn't in fact getting the day off, he heard Larry's passing comment about how he had better not "Look too feminine" today.

Connor came down with his long hair brushed into a bun, with one of Zoes scrunchies. He had eyeliner and grey eyeshadow on. Both earrings in-Larry hated the fact that he had BOTH ears pierced. Nails painted black, and a few chunky bangles to top it off-he still had a few from when he'd hid the fact he was harming himself. It could not have been a bigger "Fuck you" If Connor had tried. Cynthia smiled at him when she saw him. "You look lovely today dear" she informed him, supportive as ever. Then in a whisper, "I'm sorry honey, I did talk to him, I promise"

Connor tried for a weak smile back, shrugging as if it wasn't a big deal as he fixed his cereal. He sat across from Zoe, who ignored him as usual. He actually felt a twang of guilt. He never spoke to Zoe any more. He slightly missed the closeness they had when they were younger.  
"....Do you want a lift to school?" He offered.

Zoe sat in his car ten minutes later, headphone on, not looking at him.

It was still progress.

He walked inside the school, and was instantly greeted by Kleinman. "Aw fuck dude, bring a gun to school today?" He teased, prodding Connors schoolbag. "Who's first? Hopefully yourself, am I right?" He walked off with a cackle, leaving Connor shaking with a range of emotions. What the fuck was wrong with this kid?? He didn't have any emotion, he didn't care who he hurt.

******************************************************************************************************************************************************  
When Jared told Evan about their encounter in homeroom, Evan didn't find it as funny as he thought. Instead he looked at Jared with an almost disgusted face. "Jared!" he protested in a whispered hiss. "Don't-you shouldn't talk like that! That's instigating a suicide you know. If he actually...did, then you could be found guilty".  
This fact was met with an eye roll. "Lighten up, Hansen. It'll be fine. You worry too much."

Yeah, tell Evan something he didn't know. He spent the entirety of homeroom thinking on it. He felt bad for Connor, he hadn't been able to sleep last night because of the guilt. Connor had tried, actually tried to be nice to him. He was still the only signature on his cast, looking brighter now with the careful scrawl. Even Jared hadn't signed it, and they were meant to be actually friends. But Connor had signed it, and in doing so, opened a possible door to friendship. Evan was not good at making friends, he only had one, and even Jared was technically a family friend. Jared loved reminding him of that. But he could have been friends with Connor, if not for that letter. That stupid letter. Why had he had to mention Zoe? He hadn't meant anything by it, really. He'd just hoped they could be friends.

Evan thought about his mistake all throughout class that day. How he'd ruined a potential friendship, and the possibility of Connor showing the school, making his life a living hell. Those thoughts plagued him throughout the day, and by lunch, he was a guilt ridden mess. Jared wouldn't sit next to him at lunch, so he sat alone, deep in his thoughts, until he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, are you ok?" Connor was there, brow furrowed in concern. "You look like you're having a panic attack"  
Evan blinked at the words, slowly grounding himself again. "I-I'm good. I'm good. I'm fine. Yep. Nothing to worry about. I mean, it's sweet that you DID worry, that's re-well, it isn't sweet, you probably don't want to be sweet, I'm sorry, I just mean, I just mean that you came to check on me and that's really cool because Jared just kinda left me again and he's my actual friend and you aren't but not in a bad way I mean I think I screwed up our chances yesterday and I'm so sorry I didn't really mean anything by the letter I just-"  
"Breathe Evan, God." Connor interrupted, sitting beside him, and pulling out his lunchbox. It looked homemade. "You'll work yourself up again." He ran his hand through his long hair, sighing. "Are you apologising for yesterday?" He asked, sounding almost ashamed. At Evans nod, he shook his head. "I should apologise. I didn't mean to get so mad." His voice dropped to a whisper, looking at Evan with a serious face. "Look, I have anger issues. I know that isn't an excuse, but I feel you should know. I was just...having a bad day. I am sorry" Connor wasn't a prideful person, but he wasn't great at apologies. He didn't like the vulnerability that came with them. But he felt slightly more positive today because of last night, and he wanted to make things right. He watched Evan carefully, trying to judge his reaction, before Evan nodded.

"I, yeah. I forgive you" He smiled, a warm, delighted smile that this hadn't all been messed up after all. "I totally get it, I have really bad anxiety issues. But you guessed that. It was-neither of us really did well there I guess. But you were...you were really nice" Evan held out his arm. "You're still the only person that signed, thank you. It does mean a lot, really"

Connor thought about those words, frowning-he was definitely friends with Klienman, how was Connor the only signature? He reached out his own arm and gently took Evans broken one. "Do you want to start again?" He offered, a hint of hope in his voice.

Evan nodded.

Mom would be so proud of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're feeling a little down, I've started my own mini Connor project! It's very new, and I'm still learning, but feel free to check it out <3  
> https://discord.gg/yfqKyzK


	3. It sucks that we don't talk too much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are dumbass gays together and I love them
> 
> I'm really glad you guys are liking this!!! Thank you so much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Glad you're all still enjoying this!! Wonder where they'll be going next chapter, hmmm

Connor was **not** great at texting.

He didn't really have friends before Evan, so his skills were lacking, and most of his messages came out awkward and clunky. Connor was actually one of the few people who preferred video chat. He was better at reading emotions through voice and face. Texts were harder, though Evan seemed happy to be texting him. They'd been texting back and forth regularly for two days, and Connor had discovered that Evan was one of these people that ended every sentence with ten exclamation points.

Not that he was complaining, it was...cute. He could imagine his beaming face through the screen. Still, the conversation was slowing down a lot, neither of them sure where to go with it. They hadn't talked much about shared interests, Connor had been scared to. In the back of his head, he kept thinking, what if Evan turned out to be as judgemental as Jared, if they were such good friends? What if he judged Connors music tastes, or femininity, or the fact that his favourite movie was "The Nightmare Before Christmas" Instead of like, "Saw", or something cool? He was starting to really like Evan, he realised, he didn't want that to go to waste.

What Connor didn't know was that in his own room, Evan was stressing over the exact same thing. Jared judged him for his interests all the time, he'd probably cry if Connor started to do the same! Connor hadn't mentioned any of his own interests, which meant Evan had nothing to go on. He had started to notice that the conversation was dropping as well, Connors replies getting slower. Had he said something wrong? Was Connor mad? He wished that mom was here, she gave good advice. But she'd been so busy lately, they'd barely even seen each other. She didn't even know he had a new friend, he'd been waiting to tell her in person.

Evan put his phone face down and sighed. He needed a walk to clear his head. His therapist said that was good for him.

_Connor_ put his phone face down and sighed. This wasn't working, he needed help. He needed Zoe, she was much better at socialising than him.

******************************

It took her two knocks to respond, and she swung the door open sharply. " _What_ , Connor?" She sighed, leaning against the frame. Her foot was tapping slightly. She was always jumpy around Connor.

"I need help" Connor admitted. He hated saying those words but he did. "With texting, and, you know, friends" He added lamely. It wasn't a surprise that Zoe gave a sharp laugh.

"YOU have friends now? That's a first" She teased, crossing her arms. 

That **stung**. Connor had been making an effort, he really had. He'd been trying to get closer to his sister the past few days. But now he felt annoyed again, felt the anger building up in him. Why didn't she understand how hard this was for him? He had really been trying, didn't she get that!? Why did this always happen?

The angry thoughts fuzzed up Connors head, attacking him from either side, and suddenly his mom was there, he was on the floor, and Zoes door was shut. Ah, fuck, he'd screwed everything up again.

Five minutes later, he was sitting at the table with tea in front of him. Cynthia sat beside him, reading the texts, holding the phone up and squinting the way all mothers seemed to.

"Well darling, it looks like he's enjoying talking to you as much as you are him" She smiled, taking his hand. "The problem is, neither of you have brought up interests, you don't have any common ground to work on."

She sighed, thinking, then continued. "Why don't you meet up outside school? Go somewhere together and see if you can get a spark going that way?" She was all to aware Connor was better face to face.

"That could be good" Connor blushed. "Thanks mom". He held his hand out for the phone, and sent a message.

**_"Want to meet up tomorrow? I know a place"_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Projecting my quirks onto fictional characters to cope?? NOooo


	4. For Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bonding time with the tree bros!! I'm so proud of them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments I've been getting!!! Lockdown has been kicking my butt, sorry for not posting more often, but I haven't forgotten about this, promise!
> 
> I'm happy with this chapter! I liked choosing their outfits, that was a lot of fun. : )

Connor found himself very excited about his date with Evan.

Not a _date_ , bad wording. A platonic date. A date as in an appointment. As in, "What's the date we're hanging out" date. Not like...

Connor stopped in his train of thought, wondering why he was justifying any of this to himself. HE knew what he meant.

He'd been up for a few hours now, preparing. Connor wasn't really good at making friends, he didn't know how. Small talk bothered him, and he was actually pretty bad at emotions, he had a habit of taking everything the wrong way. He was trying to work on that, he really was. But Larry wouldn't let him get a therapist, which was really holding him back. Connor didn't really know how to "work on it" by himself. And nobody really gave him the chance to learn. So, the fact that Evan had actually agreed to hang out with him, the fact that he was actually giving Connor a chance to make up for his outbursts-it meant the world to Connor. All he wanted was the chance to prove he was more than his outbursts, that he really did want to be...nice. He always hated how Zoe found it so easy to talk to people. She had group chats and contacts with people she'd met, like, once. People _liked_ her. He had tried to have confidence, but he'd never quite gotten there.

One last check in the mirror before he left. He had his favourite gold hoops in- a present from Zoe, his last birthday. Larry had hated them. He'd plaited his hair last night, so it had a nice bounce to it. He had debated over makeup, but eventually allowed himself to go with grey eyeshadow that he had no idea how to apply, and black eyeliner that he did. He had a black shirt, with a navy sweater that had little white stars. Black jeans and Doc Martens. And he smelled kinda like lemons. He'd started buying lemon body spray when he started listening to Cavetown, he liked the way it made him feel. He kinda liked the way he looked today. He grabbed his bag, and went down to say bye to his mom. She gave him a hug when she saw him, and squeezed his hands.

"I'm really happy for you, honey" She whispered. Cynthia knew how hard everything was for Connor, and she was just as happy that he was getting a friend. "I made Evan some cookies, you can share them!" She beamed suddenly, disappearing and reappearing with a picnic basket. "I didn't know if he had any allergies, so there's gluten free, vegan, no nuts, and lactose free treats in there, and they're all wrapped individually-you know, cross contamination-and labelled, so he knows what he's getting" She explained as she handed the hamper over.  
  
  
"...Wow. Thanks mom." He chuckled, a genuine, happy chuckle. "Because, you know, Evan hasn't eaten in two weeks." He added teasingly, weighing the hamper in his hands.

Cynthia playfully swatted his hand and let him go. As he put on his headphones, ("Candle", by Cavetown"), he heard an enthusiastic "Larry, are you listening?? He's telling _jokes_ again!"

* * *

Evan had planned his outfit the night before, and was now scrutinising it all with a very patient Heidi, who was on her break. He had a nice t-shirt that faded from blue to greeny blue, some faded jeans, and a pair of trainers he never really wore, so they looked brand new, they weren't scuffed or anything. He had been proud of it the night before, but now he absolutely hated it, and was having a breakdown on his bed. By the time Heidi had managed to convince her son that Connor wasn't going to laugh at him simply because his outfit wasn’t up to Connors personal taste, Evan was almost late. He threw on his clothes and rushed out the door, thanking his mom before hanging up. His music of choice was "POWERFUL SUBLIMINAL_SHIFT WORRIES AND ANXIETIES-BECOME THE BEST VERSION OF YOU" that he'd downloaded from YouTube. He had hoped it would relieve stress before his big day. So far, it wasn't really working.

* * *

Connor arrived first, and was sitting outside the orchard as Evan approached. He took his headphones out and waved rapidly, standing up. "Hey, you came!!" He found himself beaming. He'd been a little worried Evan wouldn't come.  
  
"Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry. Am I late? Because if I am, I'm su-"

"No, you aren't late, I was just early" Connor reassured him. "I know my way here like the back of my hand. And, just if you like, there's a nice ice-cream shop beside here? My treat" He offered casually. Truth was, he was really hoping Evan would agree. He didn't know why, exactly, but he wanted to do something nice.

Evan did agree, and soon they were walking back to the orchard, ice-creams in hand. Evan had just chosen plain vanilla, worried any other flavour would be a bother. He did like strawberry better, though. Connor had mint choc chip, and was grinning like crazy as they made their way to the gate.

"Oh." Evan stopped, turning worriedly to face Connor. "Uh, it's-the gate-it-the-"  
  
"Yep" Connor confirmed. "Padlocked. It shut down years ago, didn't you know?"  
  
"No, I've never- I didn't used to go here. Um, what do-what do you want to do now?"  
  
"Hold this?" Connor replied. Evan took the cone, and Connor immediately climbed the fence. He did it with the ease of someone who had done it thousands of times before, without any hesitation or flaw. "Thanks. Here, your turn!" He held out one hand for both cones, and took Evans hand in his other. "Ready?" he asked, though he didn't wait for a reply before pulling Evan up with him.

Evan was decidedly not as graceful, especially with a cast, which Connor seemed to have completely forgotten about. He didn't know where to put his feet, and found himself clinging to Connor for most of it, relying on the other boy to pull him over the fence. Which, to be fair, Connor did easily. He was stronger than he looked, apparently. Evan pushed down the little voice in the back of his head that simply said “Hot.”, and was refusing to leave his head.

“Are-Are we allowed to be here?” He asked quietly, ice-cream back in hand as he strode along with Connor.

“Huh? Oh. Yeah, no. Not really.”

“Oh.”  
  
“You ok? We won’t get in any trouble, you know. Nobody comes here anyway.”

“Yeah, no, I’m good. I’m fine, it’s cool.” Evan nodded

“You sure?”  
  
“Yep! Why wouldn’t I be? I mean, you said it’ll be ok, and I trust you, so we won’t get caught, because you wouldn’t lie to mean-I mean, I trust you- well, I already said that, but I-that-beca-“

“Evan, stop” Connor said quietly. He put his hands on Evans shoulder, lowering himself to the smaller teenagers height. “It’s ok, don’t freak out. Please. I’m not mad or anything. Do you need a few minutes?” He kept his voice calm and reassuring, free of judgement.

“N-No, I’m good. Sorry.” Evan shook his head, and smiled. “Lets keep going?”

Connor shrugged, and kept walking until they were in the middle of the orchard, then sat down and took out the picnic. “Hope you’re hungry” He laughed, pulling Evan beside him.

They ate together for a while, using the time to get to know each other. Bands they liked, TV shows, movies, stuff like that. It was nice, really. Evan brought up girls at one point, to which Connor laughed, and let Evan know that was NOT his area of interest. The sun was bright above them, and Connor seemed so relaxed. He lay against a tree as they chatted, the widest grin on his face.

“You know, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be” he decided, looking over at Evan, who thought it over for a second.”  
  
  
“…Me too” He found himself agreeing.

That perked Connor up, and he leapt to his feet with a glint in his eyes, taking off suddenly. “Hey, follow me!” He called after, “This is the best tree to climb!”

Evan chased after him, eyeing the huge tree that Connor had already started to climb. What was the view like from so high, he wondered? In the hopes of impressing Connor, he started climbing, ignoring how hard it was with one arm. Connor actually waited on a branch, legs dangling, and helped Evan up to the top. The view from there was beautiful, he could see for MILES. Evan felt amazing, sun on his face, feeling like he really was on top of the world-

  
*SNAP*

Evan didn’t have time to move back as the branch broke, as he lost his grip, and as he fell through the air. He reached out with both arms, trying desperately to grab something, anything, to support himself, when he felt a hand wrap itself around his non broken wrist.

Connor had caught him.

Connor, who was holding onto a branch with one hand, and whos other was holding Evan so tightly Evan _knew_ there was no chance he’d let go, whos eyes were wild with panic, and who had his hair caught in a branch from lunging forward, had caught him.

He was safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually posted this chapter to my other fanfic, and spent the day refreshing the page and wondering why I hadn't any feedback on it!! I am a sleep deprived numpty. So here is the correct fic!


End file.
